In the court

A judge asked a defendant to please stand. "You are charged with murdering a school teacher with a chainsaw." From out in the audience a man shouted, "Liar!" "Silence in the court!", the judge shouted back to the man. He turned to the defendant and said, "You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel." "Tightwad!", blurted the man again. "Quiet!", yelled the judge who continued, "You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill." "Damn you"! the man started to shout when the judge thundered back, "If you don't tell me reason for your outbursts right now, I will hold in contempt!" So the man answered, "I've lived next to that man for ten years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one!"

Grandmother

A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife: "You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell." "Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"? "You're coming empty handed?"